Title: Caught On Auto Pilot
Notes: Random first attempt at made up characters. Depression, anorexia.
Summary: wo young men watching there friendship blossom.
Matty was flipping though the channels and bouncing off the love seat, as usual. Trying to stuff another slice of pizza down his gullet while simultaneously chugging diet whatever.
Phil had slipped into the kitchen and was quietly emptying the contents of his plate into the garbage. He didn't think Matty would notice. Matty was always in his own happy little world. But while Phil had his back turned Matty did glance over. His two half eaten slices of pizza slid into the garbage can. He looked back at the t.v. screen as Phil straightened up.
Matty didn't want to think much of it but this was becoming a common occurrence. Phil only grabbing a little food, picking at it and tossing most of it. Phil used to eat as much as Matty. They'd have eating competitions. Matty wasn't one to worry about other peoples personal lives. But Phil had become his best friend. Like best squared.
As Phil reached into the fridge for a drink Matty looked back over to look him up and down. Phil looked skinnier too, leaner. He had been working out a lot.
Phil had recently broken up with his long time girl friend. Matty guessed it was that, that was hitting Phil so hard right now. He really wanted to ask Phil. To see what he could do for him.
Phil walked back to the love seat and Matty looked up into his eyes. Phil's brown eyes looked back with an emptiness backed by pain. Then Matty knew, he had to do something.
Phil sat down, self consciously, holding his glass of water. He tried to concentrate on what was on the t.v. Top Gear he thinks. It's mindless and easy to pretend you're interested in. Matty was rocking back and forth while jiggling a knee up and down. That kid never stopped moving he thought. Phil looked at Matty through the corner of his eye and admired his relaxed manner. Matty was so sure of himself and didn't seem to give much of a fuck. Why can't he feel that way? Why can't he be as attractive as Matty?
Phil stopped his thoughts for a second. Attractive? Whoa. His best friend is not attractive. No way. No how. But something tugged in the back of Phil's mind.
The show ended and Matty, having had enough t.v. rot for the day, turned it off. He stretched his long body across the love seat, groaning with the stretch. He flumped onto Phil who was limp bodied and slouched. Matty shifted so he was on his back with his head in Phil's lap.
"You're lap is not so cuddly these days man." Matty thought this would be an o.k. enough intro.
Phil grunted, not wanting to get into this conversation that he knew was coming. "I don't hear the ladies complaining."
"To your face." Matty quipped back.
"Psh!" Is the only reply Phil can muster. He feels queasy. Or is that butterflies? What the fuck?! No, it's queasy.
Matty stares up at Phil, as if he's waiting. Phil tries to look away but is struck by Matty's hazel eyes. Playing two colors at once. So brilliant just like him...
"I know..... you've been having a hard time. I can see it." Matty interrupted Phil's musings suddenly making him look away with surprise and a blush.
Then Phil turned back down to Matty with a quizzical look. "What do you mean?" He couldn't bare it if Matty laid it all out. There is no way Matty is observant enough anyway. Whatever he has picked up on can't be much. He can't know more than the surface.
"Don't play dumb dude." Matty was all serious right now as his foot stopped bouncing, his whole body still. "I just watched you throw away half your food. And when we were done working out last night I'm pretty sure you puked from working yourself too hard. You're sad about Chel dumping your ass, I know it sucks. Been there done that. But that was 3 months and 4 lays ago."
Phil couldn't respond. He was too afraid of what would come out of his mouth. He just tilted his head back to rest on the back of his seat.
Matty continued to look up at him not sure what else to say. He felt awkward now having shoved a spike in Phil's side. He really cared about him though. They had been through a lot of shit this last year. He could almost say he loved Phil. That thought gave Matty a tingle down his spine.
Unsure of where to go from here Matty sat up and swiveled around to face Phil again. He gave Phil a light punch on his shoulder making Phil loll his head around to look at Matty. His eyes were darkened with sadness.
Matty sighed, "Look man, whatever it is just talk to me. You know I won't judge."
"So you say." Phil replied quietly. Matty was happy though, this meant there WAS something more. More than just Chel bothering Phil.
Matty looked deep into Phil's eyes, "I promise I am here for you, for anything you may need." After Matty said that the both them had flickers in their mind about what anything could really mean.
Phil didn't know what to say, or how to say it but he opened his mouth and let the words pour.
"I hate myself. Chel did nothing but criticize me, until the very end. I was never good enough. I feel ugly and fat. I feel stupid. I feel like you only humor me. You're just trying to be a nice friend. You know I don't reciprocate. I'm such a lazy fucking ass. And every time I look at you I feel shittier. You're so perfect sometimes, you know? You just don't give fucks and everything just rolls off your massive, perfect shoulders. It's like the sun shines out of your ass. And all the chicks dig you without you even trying. Why do you bother with me?!"
Phil was looking away at this point, eyes starting to water. He hated how pussy he was, tearing up like this. FUCK!
Matty was caught off guard at first. But a deep swell of love and desire came over him. He couldn't believe his best friend really felt this way about himself. His family had always encouraged self confidence, he never thought anything ill of himself, so yeah, shit did just roll off his massive shoulders.
Matty reached out and grasped Phil's shoulder. Giving it a squeeze. "Phil," he whispered. "I love you."
Phil slowly turned his head, hardly believing what he heard, but wanting to believe every syllable.
"There is no way the sun shines out of my ass. I am the biggest ass on the face of the planet when I wake up in the morning. My shoulders are far from your perfect. Not all the chicks dig me, just the shallow ones. And dude, you have reciprocated your friendship to me twenty fold. I can't even think of how much I owe you for being there when my dad passed. You are a quirky son of a bitch that I can be myself with. Can you see that? Can you see that I love you?"
Phil was just stunned. Matty said I love you again and that he owes HIM? Oh man. What the actual fuck was happening?
"You don't mean that," Phil whispered.
What the fuck do you think?! "That......" Phil couldn't say it. He was just being a doof. Matty loves him like a best friend, squared. Whatever. The end. Lets move on.
"WHAT!?" Matty felt like he should know what Phil was thinking.
"Why do you love me?" Is all Phil could think to say.
"Fuck, did you not just hear what I said?"
Matty felt bad for this guy. Chel must of played quite a number on him. He didn't remember Phil being so self conscious. Why didn't he pay more attention. He felt real bad now. And again this feeling swelled inside him. An urge over came him, Matty leaned over. One arm braced on the back of the love seat. The other reached forward and grasped the arm of the seat. He had Phil encircled. Before he realized what he was doing he leaned down and whispered in Phil's ear.
"I love you because you put up with my crap. You know how to make me laugh. You're.... you're beautiful, and you just don't know. You don't see yourself like I do. I..."
Phil couldn't handle this. He wasn't gay. Matty isn't gay. This is gay. But, it feels... right, somehow? Not that gay is wrong. Just, he didn't think...
Matty slowly slid his lips along Phil's jawline. Matty felt like he was on autopilot, not really controlling his body. His lips found Phil's. He pressed into Phil's thin lips with his own. Matty felt his spine tingle and his nerves spark. His eyes had slid closed and he pressed harder into Phil's lips.
Phil was wide eyed at first but as Matty pushed harder he went half lidded and pushed back, parting his lips slightly. Matty took this opening and tested the waters with his tongue.
Someone's phone chirped making them both jump. Pulling away and blushing. Nothing to say with a billion words ready to burst forth.
just keeps going and going and going and going and...
- Caught On Auto Pilot